For this election, I’ll be putting my vagina before anyone else’s, even if that means keeping another vagina from the Vice President position. Protecting my vagina from policy and political invaders is always a top priority; this election is no exception. I will do all that is necessary to protect my vagina from those who would take away my rights by influencing the leanings of the supreme court, directly through policy and legislation as they chip away at my vagina’s rights. Election time brings average citizens to the front line of the Great Vaginal War between Axis of Vagina Haters and the Vaginal Allies. The Axis of Vagina Haters (Christian Fundamentalist Republicans, specifically Palin) want nothing more than to erode the Vaginal Allies’ rights to protect all vaginas from economic ruin, social devastation and trap children with parents who have parental responsibilities they cannot endure or that they do not want. The Great Vaginal War has divided the American fairer sex as the Civil War once separated brothers. This war is not fought in blood, it is fought in ink. Legislation, policy, and the courts have been, and during this election, will be, the main battleground for women in America.
During World War Two, there was a bloody battle in Stalingrad between Germany and the USSR. The two armies fought viciously for possession of one particular hill, Mamayev Kurgan, the highest point in the area of Stalingrad. Unrelenting, the USSR finally won the hill and the battle, surrounding the Nazi’s most prestigious battalion, and, after trying to get them to surrender, mowing them down. There was unbelievable bloodshed, with the Russians losing more in the battle of Stalingrad then the rest of the countries in World War Two lost during the entire war.
The generals of the Great Vaginal War know that in order to ensure the safety of a woman’s vagina or to destroy her sense of security, you have to conquer the modern American Mamayev Kurgan; the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court will be the setting of the major battles of our time. From the vantage point of the courts, all political views are seen and policy skirmishes are easily swayed from one side to another. The side that holds the Supreme Court ground does not have to worry about public protest or political opponents. The side that captures the Supreme Court holds the power of policy for many years, potentially decades. In order to secure the courts, each side will desperately try to elect the person who appoints the Supreme Court Judges; the president.
The president does have the power to appoint Supreme Court Judges, but he also has the power of the first word in legislation and the power to create law through executive order. President George Bush signed executive orders meant to hamper the Vaginal Allies, dealing them direct blows and reclaiming hard fought ground. Single handedly, he increased the syphilis rate in all vaginas in America, refused to allow teachers to teach women how to protect their vaginas, economically trapped more teenaged women, and didn’t allow the teaching of men lessons on vaginal respect, all by issuing an executive order. Don’t forget that the president can veto legislation that comes up from the Congress that affects vaginas everywhere. The power of the presidential office to sway the Great Vaginal War, to either side, cannot even be measured.
Vagina Allies fight inflexibly against the Axis of Vagina Haters. Both sides know the stakes, both ready to pounce at the first glimmer of weakness from the other. I will not turn coat on the Vagina Allies just because the Axis of Vagina Haters shows another one off. Now and forever, I put my vagina first.
First Published: Sep 25, 2008
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