If it don't fit, it don't belong!

 

I can't seem to get the bible to fit into my vagina; that must mean it does not belong there.

Men: Leave My Uterus Alone and Tell Your Friends to Do the Same

Dear Men,

Why are you still trying to take away our right to decide how, when, and with whom to have babies or staying quiet while others try?

I see woman after woman making social media posts about the rape and humiliation legislation in three states that force probes into vaginas before having an abortion, comments about women not being represented in the hearings, personhood laws that take the right away from women altogether, and endless posts about what the nearest Republican or theist man has said to insult or demean women.

What I have not seen are the outraged men who are concerned that choices are being taken from them, harm may be done to their partners, daughters, mothers, and friends. I see passive men who say they value equality and reproductive rights but do nothing to protect either. Instead many men generally choose to stay silent or only mention your outrage on videos, comments, and links posted by women. Even worse, many of you lead the charge to gain control of our freedom of choice, our future, and our lives.

Some men have decided to publicly address abortion and reproductive rights, including writer Joss Whedon in the comic Buffy.

“A woman's right to choose is under attack as much as it's ever been, and that's a terrible and dangerous thing for this country. I don't usually get soap box-y with this, but the thing about Buffy is all she's going through is what women go through, and what nobody making a speech, holding up a placard, or making a movie is willing to say," Whedon told Entertainment Weekly”

Staying quiet is not an act of courage, it is a willingness to sacrifice women to spare men the discomfort of speaking publicly about it. If you think this is wrong, say it is wrong. Have the courage to confront other men and change the discussion from one which pits women against men to one that pits those who care about making sure reproductive choices are there for everyone against those who would take away those choices.

Thank you,

LaRae
Representative of Women

9 Ways Women and Their Health Were Attacked Today

I am overwhelmed by the volume of actions to take away a woman’s right to plan her future, manage her economic opportunities, and choose when, how, and with whom she has children, and if she puts her life in danger. It is a threatening and frightening time to be woman of child-bearing age.

1. The laws requiring ultrasounds before abortion are bad enough, but forcing a woman to be sexually assaulted by having a probe inserted into her vagina against her will serves no purpose except to traumatize, humiliate, and degrade her.

Killing the First Born

When is it right to kill all the first born children of a particular country?

Micro and Macro Evolution: Same Thing

Creationists: Micro-evolution and macro-evolution are not actual scientific terms. All evolution is done on a small scale over a long period of time which produces large changes. Not only is it terribly misinformed to say micro-evolution and macro-evolution, it is a distinction without a meaning because they are the same thing viewed in a different scale of time.

Gestational Authority

It is fair for a woman to have the final say over if a baby will be gestated inside her. She is the one doing the work and taking the risk.

As Simple as Hero or Villain: The Clarity of the Penn State Child Rape Case

Outrage, self-interest, and fear are primal human motivations but it is when we are presented with the moments that make us afraid, or are easy to ignore, make us furious, or might go against our own immediate interest that we decide where we will throw in our lots, and what label we will be given. These moments are usually fleeting, and challenge our most primal motivations. They are the moments we regret if we choose inaction, the moments we wear most proudly when we act. On rare occasion, the choice can be so important to another person and one’s self, it leaves no ambiguity; it is the choice to be a villain or a hero.

The Child Abuse Cultural Cowardice - Actual Abuse Takes a Back Seat in Discussion to Psuedo-abuses in Public Debate

I make it a regular practice to engage in online and in-person debates on a variety of subjects. I have engaged in more than one discussion about the effects of gay people on families, on the effects of violence in video games on children, and abortion. All of these have been called child abuse or killing by their proponents. Most of the time, these people are not professionals in child development, they are not experts of any kind in those fields; just interested and concerned people. It occurs to me, though, that I have never engaged in a spirited debate about how to tackle actual child abuse by anyone who did not work in the system. We will talk about a plethora of pseudo-abuses topics worth our attention and discussion but when real lives are at stake, we shut our mouths, turn our heads, and change the subject.

When I realized how much attention I was giving to these hypersensitive, ill founded, PTA-mommy concerns, I was pretty ashamed of myself. I have worked for 15 years with actually abused children. Children with broken bones, punched-in faces, born addicted to meth, raped by their family, pregnant by their fathers, sent to live with their rapists, mothers pimping out their kids, foster kids human trafficked, all things the consequences and actions of which I have seen personally.

How to Have A Sensuous, Romantic, Sexy Valentine’s Day for Less Than $25

Valentine’s Day can make the fattest wallet as skinny as mid 60’s Twiggy, but there is no reason why a great Valentine’s Day has to leave a lover financially bulimic. Valentine’s Day is about making your partner feel special and to celebrate romance, neither of which has to be about spending wads of cash. The trick to a happy, budget-friendly Valentine’s Day is to do things that are always cost effective and always romantic.

Mix and match the ideas below, or follow them all and have a incredible, sensuous Valentine’s Day that your partner will never know was budget friendly.

Non-Sense Poetry

It was the best of times

It was the best of times

Tacos were eaten 

And songs were written 

But love is tight on my toes

Should You be Compelled to Save a Life and Risk Your Own

You know that driving can cause accidents but you drive anyways. One day you get into an accident with another car where you and the other driver are equally at fault. A passenger in the other driver's car is injured but will be fine if he his hooked up to your body so he can use your kidneys to filter blood. There is a significant risk of death if you participate. You will have to stayed hooked up for almost an entire year and will have to pay the medical cost of the person's treatments and living expenses for the next twenty years if you participate. Setting aside insurance for a moment, should you be compelled to do this even if you do not want to?

 

 

One Cell, Two Cell...Wait ... Did You Just Say Two Cells?

This is huge.  Scientists watched yeast evolve from single celled organisms to multi-celled organisms. Save this link for theist conversations.

Test Tube Yeast Evolve Multicellularity

"After 35 generations, the yeast that were exposed to stronger selection evolved to have larger cluster sizes, whereas those in the weak selection group actually shrank in size. This indicated that each cluster of cells was evolving as one organism."

I Stand with Jackie - Stepping Out of the Shadow of Shame and Speaking Out About Abortion

The House of Representatives voted to defund Planned Parenthood for everything, not just abortion, and members of the House publically disparaged women who have had abortions during the debate. Congresswoman Jackie Speier courageously admitted to having an abortion in front of her colleagues on the floor of the House of Representatives, televised to the citizens of the country, and the world. I suspect that most women who have had abortions are deeply afraid of how they would be seen, how they would be treated, and the damage to their reputation should they come forward with their abortion story. It is because women stand silent that myths about the kinds of women and the reasons for abortion are allowed to fester. Women who have had abortions need to follow Jackie's lead and come forward with our stories.
 
I say our stories because I had an abortion and I would like to share my story. I hope when the end of this article is reached, no matter how the reader feels about abortion, there will be some context for their decision; a true story to refer to and consider.

When Giving it Away is a Reason to Buy - TED Teaches Content Producers About Value

TED (Technology Entertainment Design) Talks have swept the internet as one of the best resources for talks on the most up to date, entertaining, well produced, scientific, humanitarian research and projects. Most people who enjoy TED Talks now do not know that TED is one of the most exclusive conferences in history, and that it used to be completely closed and tightly controlled. Since a revolutionary change to make their conferences more open, TED has expanded into a bigger, more profitable, more expensive conference, and with offshoot conferences around the world. Much to the chagrin of modern pirate hunters like the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) who see downloading their intellectual property for free as buccaneering; TED effectively demonstrates that giving away your intellectual property can lead to huge financial returns.

My Re-examination of Martin Luther King, Israel, and Antisemitism - How My Ideas Got Off Track

My life has presented me with no shortage of opportunities to re-evaluate my thinking, or to show me my short falls when it comes to my path of reasoning. It never comes when I think it will, nor will it present itself in a comfortable manner. My latest moment of clarity came when I asked a question of other people that I had not asked of myself in years, "Do MLK's accomplishments in the area of civil rights outshine his anti-Semitism enough we can call him a hero without shame?" It was not my answer to the question that caused me to reflect, it was response to the content of the question.

President Obama Hospitalized with Testicular Elephantiasis

GOP, Tea Party, and Congressional Democrats in Disarray

Washington DC - This morning President Obama was admitted to a local area hospital with a severe case of testicular elephantiasis. It is unclear at this time if this is a temporary condition. Representatives of the President are optimistic that Obama will now be able to perform his presidential duties given the enlarged size of his scrotum.

Doctors, party leaders, members of Obama's staff, and Michelle Obama have not determined the cause of President Obama's condition. As late as yesterday, there was no change in the president's testicular fortitude. His doctors say that people close to the president have noticed a general jaundice condition around his midsection. Doctors speculate that the weakening of the president's knees around the Tea Party and GOP, and constant prone position may have caused blood to pool in his testicles.

Democratic National Committee President Tim Kaine told reporters during an early morning press conference about President Obama's condition, "We are saddened that it has come to this but we are confident the president will use this to the advantage of the country."

Strangely, there are reports that the White House carpenter is making a wheel barrow that will allow the president free motion while still inflicted. When completed, he will have full range of motion through both hips, allowing his legs to swing freely and forcefully forward, even when his foot is flexed.

Democratic strategists have been spotted in the cafeteria of the hospital. Unconfirmed reports and rumors of conversations about torture trials, appropriate taxation of the rich, repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, considering single payer, implementing universal health care, and troop departures are streaming out of the hospital.

Many congressional Democrats seem fearful that the president's condition will not improve and it will affect their ability to continue to digitally pleasure the GOP and pass off responsibility to the minority party.

Though no one will confirm publically, anonymous congressional sources told the press, "It has been customary that when the GOP threaten to forcefully orally copulate on legislation, we offer a different, more palatable solution that usually involves us folded at a ninety degree angle. It has worked well in the last two years to get mediocre legislation passed. President Obama's infliction has thrown the party into turmoil. We have been at a right angle for so long, we aren't certain we can straighten out."

GOP and Tea Party leaders and strategists have not answered phone calls but reports are flooding in that they are checking in to Bohemian Grove in California with rulers and fishing weights.

First Published: Nov 12, 2010

Olbermann: Your Suspension was Fair - Now Get Back to Work

 

Keith Olbermann has a right to donate money, but if he wants to be a journalist, he should not have done so. Impartiality and independence are essential to the integrity of a journalist and a story. A journalist who covers or comments on politics should not give money to any politician because one can't be unbiased if they have a dog in the fight. To give money is to join the action, not review or cover it. MSNBC's policy to require permission to give money is not oppressive; it upholds standards of journalist integrity so that the line between journalistic commentator and entertainer does not become a blurry one in the eyes of the public. If MSNBC let their journalists participate in the political process without transparency is to sacrifice any distinction between them and FOX. 

 

The Horrific Story of a Gay Elderly Couple Separated, Removed from Home and Belongings Auctioned Off by County - And What You Can Do to Help

The story of how elderly gay couple, Clay and Harold, were treated by the County of Sonoma in California could shock even the most homophobic. Using every legal protection available to them wasn't enough to protect them from being separated at the end of Harold's life. Clay was forcibly removed from his home, put in a nursing home against his will; all of his possessions were taken by the county and sold at auction. The only thing he has left from his life with Harold is a scrap book. The information is preliminary, assuming these facts are correct, we have a major problem on our hands in Sonoma County.

How the History of Credit Cards Matters to the Future of Health Care

The History of Credit Cards Has Fundamental Parallels to the Discussion of Health Care Reform

In 1980, Citibank was going broke.Rises in inflation meant that they were paying more to borrow money than they could get by lending it to their credit card customers. New York's strict usury rules (caps on interest rates to consumers) sent Citibank out on a hunt for a new base of operations. At the same time, the economy of South Dakota was deep in a spiral. Wanting to bring in new industry, South Dakota drafted legislation overnight and in less than 24 hours, formally asked the nationally chartered Citibank to move to South Dakota, and in doing so, modern credit card exploitation was born. Even people who lived in New York were no longer protected from the sky high interest rates imposed by credit card companies, even though the laws were on the books.

Lake Local School District in Ohio Disregards Constitution - Makes Belief in God a Goal of Their School

There are few things that can get under my skin like the education system in America. We do not do enough to teach our kids about the real wonders in the world through logical inspection and we fail miserably to teach them to respect or understand history. Schools that respect the secular requirements of our government fail to impart the importance of these subjects. What education are we denying children when they are educated by a school district that makes "belief in god" a goal in their mission statement?

Are Religious Beliefs Too Dangerous to Go Unchallenged?

Is it Ethical for the Free Thinking Community to Bite Our Tongues and Allow the Religious to Stop Progress?

I wrote an article against Kissimmee Florida's City Council's attempt to put "In God We Trust" on their city seal. The day after the article was written the Kissimmee City Council decided to quash the motion and their attempt to make their town a mini theocracy ended. A few days later, a man from Georgetown, Texas named Dave Atkinson wrote me a series of emails on the topic. His comments summarize the fear that many atheists have about being tolerant of even the nicest religious ideas. He left me asking myself; is it more damaging to society to refuse to confront religious ideas or to greet them with hostility?

The first email from Destructive Dave, as I call him, arrived on August 8^th. At first he does not sign his name at the bottom of his emails.

To: LaRae
From: Dave
Sat, Aug 8, 2009 at 2:23 PM

LaRae Meadows, you are an over educated idiot. People like you should be kicked out of the country, in the near future that might be possible. I cannot wait until that day..............
http://laraemeadows.vox.com/library/post/kissimmee-fl-wants-to-add-in-god-we-trust-to-city-logo.html

Kissimmee Florida Attempts to Snub Constitution - "In God We Trust" Proposed to Be Added to Logo at Huge Financial Cost

City Commission of Kissimmee, Florida, will vote to modify its city logo to include "In God We Trust" to voice objection to the "socialist" leadership of the country.

Commissioner Art Otero recommended this affront to the American Constitution. "This nation has been moving toward more liberal postures such as homosexuality, gay marriage, abortion and the legalization of marijuana. I'm against that way of thinking. Those are not the values upon which this nation was founded. I think we need to fight for the values we're losing." 

Singing Hockey Mama for Obama - She Sings and Now She Speaks

This political singing hockey mama, Sandy Riccardi and her accompanist (the moose) Richard Riccardi, professional musicians from the Bay Area in California, have taken the internet by storm by taking Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin on through song. Their musical editorial, which only took one hour to write, is set to the tune "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" from the play "Evita" and starts off with the line "Don't speak for me Sarah Palin." If you aren't already singing her tune, take the time and watch this three minute political statement now.

"I wrote the song because the words 'Don't speak for ME, Sarah Palin' came into my head every time I heard her say 'hockey mom,' Sandy said during an interview about her song. "I didn't even make the association with the actual Evita Peron until others pointed it out to me!! If the Manolo fits...."

When I asked why she decided to make this video, Sandy said, "I cringe every time she says "hockey moms" like it's her voting block." Sandy continued, "And frankly, I don't want an 'average American mom' running the country when McCain keels over. We don't want average Joe-six packs in the White House."

"When a person who may very well end up with their finger on the button can't pronounce 'nuclear' correctly, that really bothers me. Bush was the same," she explained. "Now to be fair, I think Jimmy Carter had a hard time with that one too, but come on, he didn't GROW UP with nuclear threats. Palin and I did ..." "I think her education is seriously lacking. McCain's is too, but at least he has hard core experience in life, war and politics."

Sandy's personal background gives a charge to her passion against Palin and a special insight. "... I was a fundamentalist Christian for a large percentage of my adult life. I know that she will never be able to separate her Bible from her politics, and I KNOW what the Bible says. It's ok for a church to be run with the Bible as the standard, because people can choose to reject the church's rules and go somewhere else if they want, but a country as diverse

"I know she feels divinely appointed to this position of power and will attempt to run the nation (if given the chance) as close to her own interpretation of 'church rules' as possible." Adding, "Thank God for Congress!"

Sandy's song doesn't just bash Palin; it encourages a vote for Obama. "Some have called Obama an elitist. I personally WANT someone in charge of the country to be sort of elite---educated thoroughly and very open-minded and wise as a result. We want amazing brains, intelligent and insightful beyond the run-of-the-mill middle-management supervisor...."

"I trust his plans, his calmness, his manner, his education, and the leaders he says will be his advisors. Colin Powell will be a great person for him to talk with about military strategy; Hillary wants to work herself hard for his administration. It's a great new day with Obama, and 30 years backwards with McCain and Palin."

"Don't Speak for Me Sarah Palin," Sandy and Richard's song, seems to be resonating deeply with both supporters and the opposition. All sides of the political argument are writing comments of escalating passion about her video. Personal insults, racist and sexist slurs of the singer and candidates dot the page. New comments and arguments are posted on YouTube about their video almost by the minute.

A YouTube user calling himself YankeesJMB13 commented on the pair's video, "McCain is no Socialist. Obama is the one that will raise taxes to unbelievable new highs. More people are going to get welfare, and start living off of MY HARD WORK. and then hes going to take the guns right out of our hands! He also wants everyone to get an equal share, cause its not fair to some people... flat out bull. This guy will ruin this country. And as far as 80 bucks a month... well you are an fool for wasting your money, cause the Gov't is a big conspiracy anyway."[sic]

randomstables, another YouTube user, left the comment, "Palin truly has the characteristics of a pit bull - bred to destroy anything perceives as a threat without thinking... librarians, books, museum directors, state troopers, polar bears, wolves, moose,the media, Obama.... Enough - She is no Hilary Clinton - my children know what the VP does and doesn't do better than she. Obama will truly go down as one of the greatest leaders of our time."[sic]

Agree or disagree, "Don't Speak for Me Sarah Palin" may be this election's song to memorize and share.

Check out Sandy and Richard's newest video "Opera for Obama"

About the Musicians

Sandy and Richard are both highly trained professional musicians. Sandy, who has a master's degree in music from Manhattan School of Music, performs jazz, cabaret, musical theater and classical music. Richard is a Mr. Holland's Opus Award winning music teacher with a degree from Oberlin and Yale and works as a professional pianist and conductor.

Full Disclosure: I have known Sandy Riccardi for several years.

First Published - Nov 1, 2008

Proposition 8 - Are You a Bigot or Are You Brave?

Every argument against gay marriage comes down to one word, god. God wants, god needs, god says, god is, god told me so. Even though the religious right would like to say otherwise, god is not a reason to oppress an entire group of people; that never turns out well. Our founders knew god and government mix as well as chlorine and ammonia. All of the arguments the proponents of California's Prop 8 use to try to justify this California amendment outside the bible don't hold water and biblical arguments have no place in government. Even though I find their point of view repugnant, I would like to address some of the arguments I've heard from the Prop 8 supporters and set them to bed.

Marriage is for procreation:

Marriage must be annulled if they have not conceived within 2 years: If marriage is for procreation then we should also annul any marriage that does not end with the production of children within a predetermined time. Marriage is a contract of fertility with society so those who can't seem to make it work have violated our contract and must be forced to end their marriage.

The sterile should not be allowed to marry: Since there is absolutely no chance they will be able to have children, their goal for marriage cannot be procreation and therefore cannot enter a marriage.

Senior citizens should not be allowed to marry: Since all senior citizen women and most of the men are beyond the age to produce children or to carry them to term, seniors must not be allowed to marry.

People unwilling to have children should not be allowed to marry: Not having a child is a choice made by many couples. Since they are not willing to have children, and procreation is the purpose of marriage, they must not be allowed to marry.

Marriages that stop producing children should not be allowed to stay married: When procreation is the goal, even if those who have procreated in the marriage stop reproducing, they have violated our contract with them and their marriage must be annulled.

Marriage preserves the family unit:

Divorce still happens: No matter your religious beliefs, divorce happens. Being married is no assurance that a relationship is strong enough to last the test of time. People still leave their god-sanctioned relationships. Marriage, as it currently stands, doesn't assure any stability for anyone, only hard work and commitment do.

Preservation isn't always a good thing: Many people are trapped in terrible marriages because of their religious beliefs. I knew a woman who believed she had to stay married to her child molesting husband because her church told her that divorce was not allowed in any situation.

A married mother and father are necessary to raise happy, healthy children:

Children who have one deceased parent should be removed from the other's care: That's right, if a kid needs both a mother and a father, if no other options can be considered, in the event of the death of one of the parents, the other parent cannot be fit to care for them alone and the child must be reassigned to an appropriate parental unit.

Unwed pregnancies should be forced into abortion because there is no way a family not consisting of a married man and woman can raise a child effectively, and we must consider the best interest of the child not yet born: If not an abortion, then the baby should be removed, even if the mother refuses because children can only be happy and healthy in a traditional family situation.

Divorced parents should have their children taken away and given to married couple:. Since a married mother and father are necessary to have non-damaged children, we must protect children from divorced couples and put them into the care of those who can raise them to be happy.

Active duty military members should not be allowed to have children because they are often gone from their family for prolonged periods of time and have a high risk of death: In the event they are gone for a prolonged period of time or die, their children will have to be removed from the care of the other spouse and must be placed in the care of a couple who has a mother and father available.

Unhappy, unhealthy children come from traditional families: Try as they might, even traditional families get it wrong. A traditional marriage is no guarantee of good child rearing.

Marriage needs protection:

Marriage is such a weak institution that it needs protection: If marriages are allowed to go gay, the institution of marriage might fizzle into obscurity because its meaning is so diluted that it no longer has value.

God doesn't want gay marriage and we should always follow god's law:

No more poly cotton blends: The bible says we should not wear clothing of mixed fabric so we must outlaw poly cotton blends because it is against god's will.

Stone your daughter, it's the godly thing to do: Yup, that's what god says so we should make it the law.

Goodbye McDonalds: The laws of kosher make clear that cheeseburgers are an abomination and we must outlaw them.

Burn a witch, it's fun and justified: Since we are following god's law as our law, light the faggots (a bundle of sticks used to burn witches, for all you who don't know) because the witches are going to burn.

No more Christmas wish lists: Coveting is a no-no and we should not be allowed to wish for those things others have. Sorry retailers, no more overspending at Christmas.

Ten percent of your money has to go to the church: Tithing is very clearly spelled out in the bible, 10% of your money goes to the church. Since we are now following gods law, give up your trip or Starbucks, you're giving to the church now.

Yes, you do look fat in that: No more lying even to preserve the feelings of other people, the bible says do not bear false witness so we can no longer do so.

Treat your slaves well: Guess we have to get slaves again, don't worry black folks, we'll choose a different race this time around.

Don't cut your hair, it pisses god off: All you "clean cut is better" folks obviously haven't read the bible. God wants us to keep our hair long and curly.

Gods laws are our laws and we should follow them to the letter: AJ Jacobs in his Ted Talk "Year of living biblically" outlines how impossible it is to live by all the laws in the bible because he did it, for an entire year. Even if we could, we have a separation of church and state for a reason.

Living Biblically

Prop 8 institutionalizes discrimination into the constitution of a state. Prop 8 will leave the next generation with the same disgusting feeling that George Wallace does for decent people now. You can hide behind the god argument as the segregationists and racists of the 1950's and 1960's did and stand behind them as a villain in the annals of history or you can be a decent person who will be seen as a brave citizen willing to stand up for all people, even those different from you. If you vote for Prop 8, you will be as wicked as those southerners of the civil rights era, your children and grandchildren will look to you with shame in their eyes. Californians, do you want to be remembered as the state of bigots or the brave?

First Published - Oct 21, 2008

How to Make an Underclass

The best way to make a permanent underclass of people is to deny the current underclass access to contraception and education.

Jeff - God of Biscuits and Keeper of the Dead

It was a calm, balmy afternoon in the woods outside the home of the dead. Jeff, god of biscuits and keeper of the dead, was enjoying his cookies when he heard a scratching coming from inside the house. He set the cookie on the ground and it sprouted into a tree. 

The tree's roots grew into the foundation of the house of the dead. The house creaked and groaned as it slowly became displaced by the powerful cookie tree. Before Jeff, god of biscuits and keeper of the dead, could reach the house, the floor split, the spirits of the dead entering the tree and sprouting out as cookies on the tree.

On the other side of the forest at the time was a girl named Ezmeralda. She was slight, her limbs more like that of a small boy than a woman. She ran through the forest, singing an innocent song about the perfume of the flowers in the forest.

Just as Jeff, god of biscuits and keeper of the dead, reached the house, Ezmeralda entered the area around the house of the dead. The ground was shaking as the cookie tree grew and began to shade the entire forest.

Lured by the smell of forming cookies, Ezmeralda approached the tree. She could hear the cookies chattering, calling her closer. When she approached, the cookies said if she ate one, they would grant her one wish. Overcome with vanity, she wished she were not so skinny.

She consumed the cookie, which released the spirit into her body. She instantly grew to five times the size.

And that is why we have obese people. 

Thanks Jeff, god of biscuits and keeper of the dead.

Planning a Memorial Service for a Person Who Does Not Deserve Remembering

Not everyone is deserving of the grief they leave behind after they die. Abusers, neglectful, emotional vampires, addicts, and those who abandon their responsibilities often die before they make repairs to the relationships with people they have harmed. It is worse when the deceased has a duty to a relationship that they have not honored, but have left people behind still wishing they had; for example, an addicted parent or an abusive spouse.

A person who dies and leaves behind a wake of pain, with no or few good memories still has people who are filled with grief that needs to be shared and filed away. In the cases of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and emotional distance, the feelings can be extremely complicated. Planning a service for a person who left scars on those left behind is tricky, but it can be done in a way that helps everyone if done with delicate attention to feelings of the living.

A memorial service that does not honestly recognize the deceased’s contributions, good or bad, will surely leave some of the bereaved with unresolved feelings.

Tip One: Services are for the Living

A dead person does not benefit from memorial services, they are dead. The point of a memorial is a symbolic putting to rest of the person who died for the benefit of the living. This could not be more true than it is in the case of a person who has left a legacy of torment behind them.

Tip Two: Defer to the Dead Person’s Religious Beliefs for the Service

The matter of religion can be extremely contentious, even when a good person dies. For mixed religion families, families with religious and non-religious people, deferring to the religious beliefs of the dead person can prevent heart-breaking conflict.

The only exception is when every single loved one left behind shares one religious belief or lack thereof and that is not the same as the dead’s. In that case, it is best to defer to the religious beliefs of the group. This is not a majority rules situation. If there is not 100% consensus, then the religious beliefs of the dead should be presiding.

I suggest a reading from the deceased religious teachings or acknowledgment of the religious belief if it was essential to the life of the person who died. It is important to honestly represent the person.

In this section I am not talking about the way the body is treated. A body belongs to the dead and that should treated in the way their religion requires.

Tip Three: Consider the Feelings of the Living

When planning a memorial for a person who left behind more pain than love, the living can be filled with resentment, pain, anger, and anguish, but also love, caring, and longing. It is essential, for any memorial, funeral, or other end of life service that the needs of the living are respected.

That does not mean that the feelings of one member of a family or loved one should be allowed to derail the services. It means that the services should be conducted in a manner that gives room for good and bad feelings.

Demanding a purely negative or positive service will be harmful to someone present. Instead, offer an honest service.

Stick to themes that benefit the loved ones and are meaningful to them. Generic themes like god, love, light, heaven, hope, etc may be appropriate in some cases, but in the case of burying a person of non-decency it maybe extremely hurtful to the people hurt by the abusive person. In fact, no service needs to have a theme. Themes are a way for the officiant to select readings that fit neatly into what the family may want, but when saying goodbye to an abusive person, neatness is probably not a reasonable expectation.

Tip Four: Open Reflection Time During the Service is Essential

The format of the service will vary by family, but one essential aspect is a time for people to openly reflect upon what the person meant to them. Instruct the officiant to include language that encourages people to speak honestly, including any negative feelings. Ask the audience to bear witness and sit in support of the person speaking with an agreement to address feelings or mistakes after the service is over and that everyone will have a chance to speak so interruptions are unnecessary.

Tip Five: Limit the Number of People Planning the Service

When hard feelings are an inevitable aspect of a service, it is important to limit the number of people who are involved in the planning of the service. The anticipation of hearing bad things, or feeling hard things can lead to unnecessary conflicts or misdirected anger. The actual experience of hearing a few minutes of uncomfortable conversation is usually much easier than a person anticipates. By limiting the number of people who participate in planning, it cuts down on the risk of hurt feelings and anxiety about the services.

It also cuts down on conflicts over details. Instead of involving everyone in every decision, involve people when you believe they will be most useful or it will be important to them. For example, if an aunt is religious, ask her to select a reading but don’t ask her to help select the funeral home. Make sure that the musician in the family gets a chance to express their grief musically. You can send an email asking if anyone would like to participate in the service.

Tip Six: Employ Symbols

Human beings are symbol-minded and that is nothing to shy away from when planning a memorial, especially when there will be hard feelings. Symbols can be meaningful, even to those who consider themselves free or rational thinkers.

Burning Bad Feelings and Keep the Good Ones

Needed: A fire, two large bowls, something to burn such as paper cranes, small wooden boxes, paper boxes, or other flammable non-explosive material.

Fill one large bowl with things that burn and leave one empty.

Ask people to share their memories and reflections, good and bad.

If they want to keep the memory, they should toss the flammable object in the empty bowl.

If they want to get rid of it, they can throw it in the fire.

This exercise makes all memories, reflections, and feelings acceptable to share.

Letting Go of “What Ifs”

Needed: Balloons, cards, hole punch, ribbon, pens, stickers, glue stick, and pre-printed what ifs.

Call people to an area where they will write down the “what ifs” that haunt them on cards or they can use a printed out “what if”.

Once they are done, a pre-designated person will attach them to a balloon or show others how to attach them with either a knot or stickers.

Go outside and read the “what ifs” before letting them go.

Tip Seven: Keep the Eulogy Matter of Fact and Have the Officiant Perform It

Include all the important facts about decedent’s life in the eulogy; including good, bad and neutral events but do so in the most matter of fact way possible and avoid inflammatory language whenever possible without making it dishonest. The officiant will be the most able to present the facts as neutrally as possible.

Tip Eight: Select a Calm, Comforting Officiant

Going with the family pastor may not be the best choice if they are excitable or unable to handle an event with severe negative undertones. Look online for an officiant in your area who can handle an alternative service. Placing an ad on an online classified ad service like craigslist.org allows the seeker to outline exactly what they expect from the officiant.

Tip Nine: Keep the Service Dry

Alcohol and drugs generally compound anguish and discourage restraint. In families where there is one addict or ruined life, there is usually another. Even if addiction is not a problem, it is still prudent to try give people a situation that raises their risk of being on their best behavior.

Tip Ten: Invite Supportive People Who May Not Have Known the Person but Know the Story

Expressing complicated, intimate, and uncomfortable feelings in public often comes directly before an exaggerated need for emotional support. People in need of support are not necessarily capable of giving support. People who have some distance from the deceased but care about the living will be bastions of comfort for everyone.

Tip Eleven : Employ Comfort Food

All things are permissible in moderation, even comfort food. The family recipes like meatloaf, chicken soup, green chili, mac & cheese, and sweets all give people a feeling of home in consumable bites. It is also one of the few times when old family recipes can be shared and re-experienced. Try a potluck reception.

Most important is just doing what feels good and right. Trust your instincts, be considerate, and just do your best. When it comes to people who have not earned the love they have, there will be hurt feelings in planning the service. Just try to limit them to the least amount possible. If care is taken, a loving service will be the outcome.

Suck it Bigots!

"A federal appeals court Tuesday struck down California's ban on same-sex marriage, clearing the way for the U.S. Supreme Court to rule on gay marriage as early as next year.


The 2-1 decision by a panel of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals found that Proposition 8, the 2008 ballot measure that limited marriage to one man and one woman, violated the U.S. Constitution. The architects of Prop. 8 have vowed to appeal.

The ruling was narrow and likely to be limited to California."

Prop. 8: Gay-marriage ban unconstitutional, court rules

Planned Parenthood or Susan Komen: An Easy Choice

If presented with the choice between Planned Parenthood and Susan Komen Foundation, I choose to support Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood is there for women even when it is controversial, even when it is in unfriendly areas, even when it is dangerous to do so.

Komen Foundation's willingness to leave low income women without breast care to protect their precious image tells me they have all the courage of a mouse with a broken leg in a house full of hungry house cats.

Religious Bigots in the Voting Booth

Atheist know more about religion than the religious - shocker!  This is so frustrating when people want to make laws based on their religion but do not actually know what their religious texts say.  

"You know who is well versed in religion, and well-informed too? Atheists, that's who. They were among the top scoring groups on Pew's religion pop quiz. Mormons also scored well. (You can test your own knowledge with questions from the quiz here.)"

Are You Smart Enough to Be a Religious Bigot in the Voting Booth?

 

Is Depression a Fatal Disease?

Considering chronic depression causes physical pain, emotional pain, seriously damages quality of life; should someone with chronic depression be allowed to end their life with patient assisted suicide?

Nectarines, Waffles, and Pork Chops

"Nectarine compote is the bond of marriage between pork chop and waffle." - Out of Context Comment of the Day.

Autism: Social Life & Serial Killers

This is an insightful and emotionally stirring article "I Am An Alien Among You: Social Life & Serial Killers" is about what it is like to be an autistic adult by an autistic adult, Eric Ribner. If you have an autistic person in your life, this will help you understand why they behave the way they do and understand their feelings much better.

I encourage you to share this because you never know who it might help. Almost all of us have a friend or loved one with or who shares space with someone on the spectrum. 

I Am An Alien Among You: Social Life & Serial Killers