President Obama Hospitalized with Testicular Elephantiasis

GOP, Tea Party, and Congressional Democrats in Disarray

Washington DC - This morning President Obama was admitted to a local area hospital with a severe case of testicular elephantiasis. It is unclear at this time if this is a temporary condition. Representatives of the President are optimistic that Obama will now be able to perform his presidential duties given the enlarged size of his scrotum.

Doctors, party leaders, members of Obama's staff, and Michelle Obama have not determined the cause of President Obama's condition. As late as yesterday, there was no change in the president's testicular fortitude. His doctors say that people close to the president have noticed a general jaundice condition around his midsection. Doctors speculate that the weakening of the president's knees around the Tea Party and GOP, and constant prone position may have caused blood to pool in his testicles.

Democratic National Committee President Tim Kaine told reporters during an early morning press conference about President Obama's condition, "We are saddened that it has come to this but we are confident the president will use this to the advantage of the country."

Strangely, there are reports that the White House carpenter is making a wheel barrow that will allow the president free motion while still inflicted. When completed, he will have full range of motion through both hips, allowing his legs to swing freely and forcefully forward, even when his foot is flexed.

Democratic strategists have been spotted in the cafeteria of the hospital. Unconfirmed reports and rumors of conversations about torture trials, appropriate taxation of the rich, repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, considering single payer, implementing universal health care, and troop departures are streaming out of the hospital.

Many congressional Democrats seem fearful that the president's condition will not improve and it will affect their ability to continue to digitally pleasure the GOP and pass off responsibility to the minority party.

Though no one will confirm publically, anonymous congressional sources told the press, "It has been customary that when the GOP threaten to forcefully orally copulate on legislation, we offer a different, more palatable solution that usually involves us folded at a ninety degree angle. It has worked well in the last two years to get mediocre legislation passed. President Obama's infliction has thrown the party into turmoil. We have been at a right angle for so long, we aren't certain we can straighten out."

GOP and Tea Party leaders and strategists have not answered phone calls but reports are flooding in that they are checking in to Bohemian Grove in California with rulers and fishing weights.

First Published: Nov 12, 2010