Not everyone is deserving of the grief they leave behind after they die. Abusers, neglectful, emotional vampires, addicts, and those who abandon their responsibilities often die before they make repairs to the relationships with people they have harmed. It is worse when the deceased has a duty to a relationship that they have not honored, but have left people behind still wishing they had; for example, an addicted parent or an abusive spouse.
A person who dies and leaves behind a wake of pain, with no or few good memories still has people who are filled with grief that needs to be shared and filed away. In the cases of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and emotional distance, the feelings can be extremely complicated. Planning a service for a person who left scars on those left behind is tricky, but it can be done in a way that helps everyone if done with delicate attention to feelings of the living.
A memorial service that does not honestly recognize the deceased’s contributions, good or bad, will surely leave some of the bereaved with unresolved feelings.
Tip One: Services are for the Living
A dead person does not benefit from memorial services, they are dead. The point of a memorial is a symbolic putting to rest of the person who died for the benefit of the living. This could not be more true than it is in the case of a person who has left a legacy of torment behind them.
Tip Two: Defer to the Dead Person’s Religious Beliefs for the Service
The matter of religion can be extremely contentious, even when a good person dies. For mixed religion families, families with religious and non-religious people, deferring to the religious beliefs of the dead person can prevent heart-breaking conflict.
The only exception is when every single loved one left behind shares one religious belief or lack thereof and that is not the same as the dead’s. In that case, it is best to defer to the religious beliefs of the group. This is not a majority rules situation. If there is not 100% consensus, then the religious beliefs of the dead should be presiding.
I suggest a reading from the deceased religious teachings or acknowledgment of the religious belief if it was essential to the life of the person who died. It is important to honestly represent the person.
In this section I am not talking about the way the body is treated. A body belongs to the dead and that should treated in the way their religion requires.
Tip Three: Consider the Feelings of the Living
When planning a memorial for a person who left behind more pain than love, the living can be filled with resentment, pain, anger, and anguish, but also love, caring, and longing. It is essential, for any memorial, funeral, or other end of life service that the needs of the living are respected.
That does not mean that the feelings of one member of a family or loved one should be allowed to derail the services. It means that the services should be conducted in a manner that gives room for good and bad feelings.
Demanding a purely negative or positive service will be harmful to someone present. Instead, offer an honest service.
Stick to themes that benefit the loved ones and are meaningful to them. Generic themes like god, love, light, heaven, hope, etc may be appropriate in some cases, but in the case of burying a person of non-decency it maybe extremely hurtful to the people hurt by the abusive person. In fact, no service needs to have a theme. Themes are a way for the officiant to select readings that fit neatly into what the family may want, but when saying goodbye to an abusive person, neatness is probably not a reasonable expectation.
Tip Four: Open Reflection Time During the Service is Essential
The format of the service will vary by family, but one essential aspect is a time for people to openly reflect upon what the person meant to them. Instruct the officiant to include language that encourages people to speak honestly, including any negative feelings. Ask the audience to bear witness and sit in support of the person speaking with an agreement to address feelings or mistakes after the service is over and that everyone will have a chance to speak so interruptions are unnecessary.
Tip Five: Limit the Number of People Planning the Service
When hard feelings are an inevitable aspect of a service, it is important to limit the number of people who are involved in the planning of the service. The anticipation of hearing bad things, or feeling hard things can lead to unnecessary conflicts or misdirected anger. The actual experience of hearing a few minutes of uncomfortable conversation is usually much easier than a person anticipates. By limiting the number of people who participate in planning, it cuts down on the risk of hurt feelings and anxiety about the services.
It also cuts down on conflicts over details. Instead of involving everyone in every decision, involve people when you believe they will be most useful or it will be important to them. For example, if an aunt is religious, ask her to select a reading but don’t ask her to help select the funeral home. Make sure that the musician in the family gets a chance to express their grief musically. You can send an email asking if anyone would like to participate in the service.
Tip Six: Employ Symbols
Human beings are symbol-minded and that is nothing to shy away from when planning a memorial, especially when there will be hard feelings. Symbols can be meaningful, even to those who consider themselves free or rational thinkers.
Burning Bad Feelings and Keep the Good Ones
Needed: A fire, two large bowls, something to burn such as paper cranes, small wooden boxes, paper boxes, or other flammable non-explosive material.
Fill one large bowl with things that burn and leave one empty.
Ask people to share their memories and reflections, good and bad.
If they want to keep the memory, they should toss the flammable object in the empty bowl.
If they want to get rid of it, they can throw it in the fire.
This exercise makes all memories, reflections, and feelings acceptable to share.
Letting Go of “What Ifs”
Needed: Balloons, cards, hole punch, ribbon, pens, stickers, glue stick, and pre-printed what ifs.
Call people to an area where they will write down the “what ifs” that haunt them on cards or they can use a printed out “what if”.
Once they are done, a pre-designated person will attach them to a balloon or show others how to attach them with either a knot or stickers.
Go outside and read the “what ifs” before letting them go.
Tip Seven: Keep the Eulogy Matter of Fact and Have the Officiant Perform It
Include all the important facts about decedent’s life in the eulogy; including good, bad and neutral events but do so in the most matter of fact way possible and avoid inflammatory language whenever possible without making it dishonest. The officiant will be the most able to present the facts as neutrally as possible.
Tip Eight: Select a Calm, Comforting Officiant
Going with the family pastor may not be the best choice if they are excitable or unable to handle an event with severe negative undertones. Look online for an officiant in your area who can handle an alternative service. Placing an ad on an online classified ad service like craigslist.org allows the seeker to outline exactly what they expect from the officiant.
Tip Nine: Keep the Service Dry
Alcohol and drugs generally compound anguish and discourage restraint. In families where there is one addict or ruined life, there is usually another. Even if addiction is not a problem, it is still prudent to try give people a situation that raises their risk of being on their best behavior.
Tip Ten: Invite Supportive People Who May Not Have Known the Person but Know the Story
Expressing complicated, intimate, and uncomfortable feelings in public often comes directly before an exaggerated need for emotional support. People in need of support are not necessarily capable of giving support. People who have some distance from the deceased but care about the living will be bastions of comfort for everyone.
Tip Eleven : Employ Comfort Food
All things are permissible in moderation, even comfort food. The family recipes like meatloaf, chicken soup, green chili, mac & cheese, and sweets all give people a feeling of home in consumable bites. It is also one of the few times when old family recipes can be shared and re-experienced. Try a potluck reception.
Most important is just doing what feels good and right. Trust your instincts, be considerate, and just do your best. When it comes to people who have not earned the love they have, there will be hurt feelings in planning the service. Just try to limit them to the least amount possible. If care is taken, a loving service will be the outcome.
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