I am a frequent visitor of the celluloid light show. I, and every other person in the theater, pay for the experience of going to the movies. The smell of popcorn, the dark theater, sticky floors, the gasps and laughter of a hundred other people sharing those cinematic moments with you are all aspects of the movie going experience, more importantly, they are what we pay for when we see a movie.
The truth has become unavoidable; other people don’t give a crap about your movie experience. I am disturbed by a trend I like to call the “living rooming” of movie theaters. Morons and jackasses treating the movie theater as if we are all visiting them in their home. This is not just dumb teenagers but the entitled 45 year old bastards whose text message or call to the boss cannot wait until the closing credits roll.
A typical suburban movie theater that has about one hundred seats and in each of those seats is a person spent about ten dollars on a ticket. The total value of the seats in the theater is about $10,000. When someone uses a theater as their living room, they believe we should spend $10,000 collectively to listen to them talk and watch them text. I for one don’t find these jack asses worth $10,000.
It is because people have forgotten how to behave while at the movies that I have written basic rules for movie theater etiquette and suggesting punishments to be doled out by other theater goers in the event of an infraction.
Infraction - Foot Tapping: Foot tapping is a minor offence, usually done by someone who doesn’t know they are doing it.
Punishment - Could You Please: This unintentional action usually only requires you to ask politely the person to stop.
If they refuse to stop, remove their shoe and throw it across the theater. Be careful to avoid innocent bystanders or you become a menace. Be sure to use a sleeper hold in the beginning to avoid much noise or injury.
Infraction - Seat Kicking: Kicking a seat is usually unintentional so if it happens once, it’s no big deal, don’t worry about it. If it happens repeatedly, it is someone being inconsiderate of their effect on the kickee.
Punishment – Hey, You’re Kicking My Head: Quickly and without warning, shove yourself against your seat and into their foot. This usually sends the message and no words are needed.
When a back shove does not rectify the problem, turn in your seat and face the offender and make sure to make eye contact. Tell them politely that they are ramming their foot into your head and ask them to be more careful.
If it happens again, they are trying to kick you in the head and you should treat it like they are trying to harm your brain. Grab them by the foot and swing them above the head to simulate a helicopter. When you up to sufficient speed, and have caused them to vomit on their own faces, release the person away from anyone else in the theater, hopefully toward a wall. Once gravity has taken effect and the person is on the floor, kick them, one time, in the head. Return to your seat.
Infraction – Talking Through the Movie: I will never understand why some people believe we all want to hear their commentary of the movie. I want to hear them talk like I want a thorn in my eye or a sexless marriage. I suspect most people have the same feeling. This crime is most common amongst the middle aged soccer moms who only get to see a movie once in a while or the ever annoying know it middle aged man. Even though everyone else in the theater would disagree, they believe they are entitled to give us their opinion of the movie, while the movie is still playing. I’m not talking about the whisper for clarification or the softly spoken opinion to their date. I am talking about the loud whisper or back of the throat talk that can be heard for five aisles and twenty seats across. There is absolutely no reason for this behavior. If you are too stupid to follow the movie, don’t come. If you believe your self-important recap of the last scene is necessary for us to understand what is going on, let me be the one to tell you what your mother should have drilled in; during a movie in a theater, the only impression that matters is the one the director, actors and other film makers have painstakingly created for our enjoyment. I would not pay the tax of three snowflakes for wayward opinion and I don’t want it when we’ve paid $10,000 of our well earned money to be entertained.
Suggested Punishment – Shh, Hey, Shut the Hell up: When you are faced with a talker, shame them. It is important to understand that eye contact, even in a movie theater is the best way to get the message across that you are talking to that person specifically, and leaves no ambiguity as to who is the offender. So in each of the three steps, eye contact in which you turn your body to face the offender is extremely important.
The first step is to give the classic “Shh” with eye contact! While hissing is unattractive, it is a necessary evil to end the distraction of their blather and regain suspension of disbelief. This will let the person know that ten dollars is worth more than their commentary and the party is over.
This is very effective because most of the time people don’t realize they are chatting as much as they are or talking loudly.
The second step is to look at them, turn around in your seat if necessary and give a muffled but reasonably assertive “Hey!” Then hold your gaze for an uncomfortable length and look mad. When you have their attention tell them, in no uncertain terms “Stop Talking” but more quietly than the “Hey.” Hold the stare for a couple more seconds and then sit down with no more interaction.
This is scary to most people, who do not like confrontation. They will sit scared or they will require step three.
The third step is to get up, walk over to their seat, if there is no one near them and tell them “Shut the Hell Up.” You can replace Hell with Fuck if the occasion requires. If it gets to that point, they are bothering other people in the theater and people will be grateful that you stood up to them.
If a stern talking to isn’t enough, take a handful of popcorn and shove it in their mouth. While they chew that off, remove your sock and shoe laces and make a homemade gag. The sock should be completely their mouth and the lace around their head to prevent the sock from coming out. Use the other lace to tie their hands behind their back. Shove them off their seat and roll them under the row of seats. Make sure to “accidently” pour soda on the floor near them. Let the theater employees pick them up when they clean up after the movie.
Infraction – Using a Cell Phone During the Movie: Unless a doctor, a secret agent or a spouse to wife is two seconds from popping out a baby, there is no reason for having a cell phone on. Trust me, that text message can wait two hours, the phone call from someone’s mother can be returned once you leave the theater.
If you are one of those important people who has to leave their phone on there is absolutely no reason to answer the phone in a theater or to have the phone set to ringer. Get up and leave the theater to answer the phone. It is impossible to follow the movie when on the phone and it distracts everyone in the theater when you talk on the phone.
When someone turns their cell phone on during a movie it completely distracts everyone next to and behind them because it is like pointing a flashlight directly in their eyes in the dark.
Punishment – PHONE!: There is no reason to be tolerant, even a little, of this behavior. If someone is close to you and answers their phone, tell them in the most forceful tone you can muster at a low volume to “Shut the fucking phone off.” Make sure to turn your body around to face them and make eye contact.
If they ignore you, throw popcorn at them and repeat. You may also use soft candies, such as sour patch kids and dots. If you suck on them for a second or give them a little chew, they will stick in the person’s hair or on their skin.
If they do not stop it is acceptable to take their phone off their head and drop it in their soda. Then take the soda and dump it on their head. Quickly dump popcorn and any other candies or food directly on their person. If lickerish is available, use it to slap the offender across the face over and over again.
If the person is across the theater from you, it is acceptable to yell “PHONE” quickly so they can hear you. Usually other people in the theater will join in.
If this does not work go down to the person and speak with them directly. Tell them how many rows back you are and how they are distracting you. This usually shocks people into submission.
Special Juvenile Offenders Punishment – I’m Going to Tell Your Mother: If the offenders happen to be children or young teenagers, position yourself right behind them or if there is an open spot next to them sit there. When they flip their phone, tell them to shut it. This technique usually works.
If you are amongst a more defiant bunch, tell them you will follow them out of the theater and tell the person who is picking them up, usually their mother or father, about their behavior. Let them know you are serious by holding a stare for a couple of seconds. I have never had to follow a kid out because there is nothing scarier than being grounded with the added bonus of being humiliated in front of your friends.
If you are unwilling to pay for a new phone for the offender or for their dry cleaning or to tattle to someone’s mother, go out and complain to anyone who works at the theater and tell them you want them ejected, even if the theater person does not see them on the phone. Push it with them and have the person removed.
Whenever you witness an infraction, complain to the manager of the theater and demand your money back from the theater and demand that person is ejected from the theater. Managers and owners of the theater are responsible for the experience they are selling you and if you have to be the hall monitor, you aren’t getting what you’ve paid for. If you can get it, you should also demand extra tickets.
Movie theater owners have not had the reason to have monitor in the theaters, so they have not improved the experience for us. Most people affected by rudeness do not complain and get a refund or just annoy the manager. Theater owners know about the problems, are fully aware of the disruption caused by these inconsiderate knuckle heads but because most people keep their mouths shut, because they do not complain to the manager because no one has had to shell out refunds proportional to the number of people affected, there is no reason for the theaters to improve. Give them a reason to change; be the squeaky wheel.
